Happy New Year, Everyone!
If you’re like most people, you’ve probably made a few resolutions for this new year. My resolution is to become so rich that I can leave small island nations as tips when I go out to eat. And that’s when the service is bad; you don’t want to know what good waiters will get. (Hint: it rhymes with ‘Meurope’.)
Of course, I don’t expect to magically become rich; if late-night infomercials have taught us nothing else, they have informed us that sometimes we need to work for hours, even dozens of hours, in order to achieve fantastic wealth using one of their oh-so-inexpensive systems. Therefore, I’ve spent all of nineteen and three-eighths minutes creating the following list of methods to achieve financial success quickly, easily and nearly effortlessly:
1) Bank Robbery – One of the classic roads to wealth, this can be done by virtually any incompetent with drive, dedication, and access to a gang of well armed thugs. Simply find a bank, ‘case the joint’ by opening an account or two (gaining a few free toasters from the deal), and then drive your group of thugs up to rob them blind. Bonus points if you drive up to the bank in a Model T! On top of the money and infamy, you will also gain valuable ‘street cred’ among crime aficionados. Just watch out for the IRS; they got Al Capone, they can get you too.
2) Rum Running – Another ‘old-school’ way to make money. You might argue that the profit for rum running has disappeared, now that Prohibition has ended and alcohol is legal again. But that shouldn’t stop you; there’s always a market for horrible tasting, semi-dangerous gin you brewed in your bath tub. The best place to sell your gin is in an authentic speakeasy; set one up in your basement for ease and convenience. Then, watch the profits roll in!
3) Running a Hedge Fund – On second thought, this one is a bit TOO distasteful. You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, right? Moving on…
3) Win the Lottery – You’ve probably heard that gambling on the lottery will only cause you to spend more money than you can reasonably hope to win back. What these naysayers don’t know is that there is one simple, fool-proof method to ensure lottery success: lucky socks. Yes, if you’re like most people, you have one very, very, very special pair of socks, a pair that has absorbed so much luck over the decades you’ve been wearing them that you can practically smell the luck coming off them over the stench of unwashed socks. (Because washing the socks will remove all the luck, as any fool can tell you.) Wear your lucky socks, buy dozens of lotteries tickets when the payout gets high enough, and watch the money just roll in!
4) Buy Penny Stocks – Everyone knows that the best way to profit from the stock market is to buy diversified mutual funds, invest regularly, and hold them forever. Yeah, if you want to be rich in thirty years or so, maybe. In order to get big money tomorrow, you have to go with the fastest investment in existence: penny stocks. You might wonder what particular penny stocks to buy; don’t worry, good-hearted, generous strangers are willing to give out suggestions about which stocks to buy without any ulterior motives. Simply click on any ad touting about stocks that are about to explode and watch the money roll in!
5) The ‘Lex Luthor’ – This one takes some effort, but the result is well worth it. Build a giant laser and use it to tunnel deep into the surface of the Earth. Then, threaten to unleash torrents of lava onto the surface of the earth unless they give you millions of dollars (or billions, if you’re afraid of inflation). All you have to do at that point is wait for the money to be deposited into your Swiss bank account. (You don’t have a Swiss bank account? Then get one, preferably before you unleash any lava onto Switzerland.) Your only worry at that point is Superman; just make sure he’s out gallivanting across the galaxy before you enact your plan.
There you have it, five fool-proof ways to make millions by this time next year. Follow any one of this plans, and by the time the next New Year’s Day rolls around, we’ll be able to celebrate our new-found wealth and and financial freedom by having our butlers pilot our zeppelins in a race around the world! I’ll see you there!