3 Ways to Cover Your Last-Minute Christmas Gifts (Humor)

D’OH!  It’s one week before Christmas, and you haven’t started on your Christmas shopping yet?  Boy, are you going to be in trouble.  Luckily for you, I’m nearly done with my Christmas shopping, so I’ll take a little time and help you to get things ready.  (And by ‘nearly done’, I mean all my presents are bought, wrapped, and ready to go.  Well, except for a few I just bought yesterday, they still need to be wrapped. Alright, I still need to buy those few presents, as well… Once I get done with this, I might need to do a little shopping.)

Anyway, back to the subject of this entry: handling a lack of gifts on the biggest gift-giving holiday on the calendar.  Hopefully, you’re not panicking too much, as you still have most of a week to figure something out and get good gifts for everyone on your list.  The methods you have at your disposal include:

1) Buying the Gifts: In spite of what you might think, you can still order gifts online many places and have them arrive in time for Christmas.  Of course, the longer you wait to find that perfect gift for the people left on your list, the less time the packages will have to arrive; if you have any hope of getting the presents where they need to go in time, you should order now. This is also that perfect moment you resort to using those online shopping techniques your younger friends have all been telling you about. Just make sure you don’t end up hacked because you didn’t know what you were doing and paid through an insecure method without an online shopping VPN activated.

Pictured: Shoppers from last Christmas Season
Pictured: Shoppers from last Christmas Season

For the truly last minute shopper, though, there’s no greater thrill than wading wallet first into the crowd at your local mall.  Do it today, and experience all the joy and wonder of getting yourself crushed into a small object the size of a sardine can.  Also, if you’re looking for Zhu Zhu pets, don’t bother; apparently, small animatronic hamsters are this year’s Tickle Me Elmo (or, if you prefer the classics, this year’s Cabbage Patch Dolls).  Assuming you make it out alive, and with a least a few functioning brain cells, it’s time to look at the next option on your list:

2) Make Something: If you build it, they will play.  At least, that’s the hope.  This technique will work best if (a) you are six years old, and every adult assumes that absolutely everything you create is freaking adorable, or (b) you happen to be an expert at some sort of craft.  Yes, if you are a skilled potter, sculptor or other artisan, the only worry you have is that it’s too late for you to get any good work done in time.  Oh, it is too late?  Well, welcome to the club, brother!

Assuming you want to plow ahead with making a present even if you aren’t that crafty, do yourself a favor and keep it simple, stupid.  This is not the time to experiment in exotic techniques like ‘rare earth metal kinetic sculpture’ or ‘furniture making’, but just stick to making something you know you can handle, like macaroni art.  Of course, if that’s ALL you can make, you might want to try my last suggestion:

3) Fake a Coma Through the Holidays: Alright, buying something didn’t work, and making things didn’t work.  How else can you make it through the holiday season with your dignity intact?  Why, faking an injury that causes you to drift into a coma, of course!  The best method is to have a bowling ball drop from a height sufficient to wound you and make you lose consciousness, but not to result in permanent injury.  It might take a few times, so start from a low height and work your way up.  When you wake up (ideally long enough after Christmas that nobody asks you where you put the presents, but not so long that it interferes with your professional or personal life), the holiday will be over, and you’ll have made it through without the need to buy any presents at all!

There, that should be enough to get you through the holiday gift-buying season relatively unscathed (except for that gaping head wound where the bowling ball hit).  Enjoy the tips, and have a happy holiday.

(A note to all the non-Christians out there: As children, you might have been annoyed at the fact that basically the whole month of December was devoted to a holiday you didn’t celebrate, where children other than you got toys.  I hope that, now that you are adults watching all the adults who celebrate Christmas drive themselves nuts trying to make the holiday perfect for their children, that you feel karma has justified your suffering.  Have a happy holiday season, and enjoy the Chinese restaurants on Christmas day; I hear they’re practically empty, and you should have your choice of seats.)

(Note: as mentioned in the title, this is humor.  Please, don’t go wounding yourself (or anything else crazy) just to avoid the holiday.  I was just trying to poke fun at the lengths to which last minute shoppers (including myself) in order to complete their shopping.  Don’t take this as an actual suggestion of how to handle your holiday shopping.)

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