World Domination 104: Choosing Your Cohorts

If you’ve been following along for the last several weeks, you’ve gotten most of the basics ready for a world domination attempt (or more than one; as everyone from Lex Luthor to Cobra Commander could tell you, this is the sort of endeavor that frequently takes more than one trial). You’ve gotten everything from a quality education to a base of operations from which to make all of your plans into a reality. What could you possibly be missing?

Why, people, of course! As much as you might want to engage in your world-domination schemes on your own, you’ll probably need some help if you are hoping to get the entire world to bow down to your power. In fact, I’d go as far as far as saying you’re going to need an entire team to work with you on your efforts. Let’s look closer at the some of the cohorts you will need to have the skills necessary to dominate the planet:

Choosing Your Cohorts

Even the most highly educated person cannot know everything there is to know about any big topic, particularly one that stretches so world-wide as well, world-domination. There are a few members of your team that should be added to ensure that you have all the needed skills to take over the world, members including:

1. Mad Scientist: If there is one skill set you definitely need to have on hand, it’s mad science. From death rays to time machines to weather control satellites to even BIGGER death rays, there’s a lot that can be obtained with a mad scientist around. They tend to accept fairly low levels of compensation, although if you’ve never had to fund the building of a giant death ray, you should be aware that they aren’t that cheap. Still, some extra mad science help around is always a good thing, and I’m not just saying that because I could still use a new job.  (Although, if you have an opening and some death ray parts…)

2. Planners: You will generally need to have lots of plans for your world domination attempts; unfortunately, there are many people out there who don’t want you to be in charge (the fiends!), and who will try to thwart your plans almost as quickly as you can make them. While I’m sure you’re a brilliant person, coming up with a new plan every few months can take it out of you, so hiring some help is always a good plan to consider. What type of planners will depend on the specific method you’re using to dominate the world; those going the corporate route should consider some fellow businesspeople, while those attempting a more supernatural plan should consider seeing what the local witch doctor and other occultists are doing. Of course, once you have a plan in place, you’ll need someone to carry is out, which is when you give a call to:

3. Minions: Also known as henchmen (or henchwomen; we don’t want to be sexist, after all), followers, and ‘the guys you send when Batman or his caped companions comes to get you’, you will definitely need a few (or few hundred) henchmen around. They tend to be easier to find than many of the other categories discussed so far, as all you really need are people willing to put their bodies between the authorities and you. Granted, getting that kind of devotion out of people you call ‘cannon-fodder’ takes some money, which luckily you should have available now.

 

Although if your henchmen look like this, you might want to save yourself the trouble and just quit now.

4. Lawyers: Yes, yes, I know, there are probably plenty of legal practitioners in the world who are good and kind, and at least a few who’d be willing to defend the occupation in general as only as bad as the laws the lawyers of the world defend and interpret. You don’t want to work with those lawyers. Instead, you want the lawyers who will help you to get all your work toward world domination done in a legal manner, masking your most dangerous activities and allowing you to resume your plans if you get caught. (How do you think Lex Luthor’s managed to keep running LexCorp?)

Now, there’s one last group you will likely need to work with if you hope to take over the world. But this group is more diabolical, more vile, more just plain EVIL than any we have covered so far. I realize that if you are plotting world domination, there is probably more than a little ill intent in your heart, but even you have your limits, I hope. With world-domination as your ultimate goal, though, you may need to consider doing things you’d not normally consider, including working with:

5. Politicians: As with the lawyers, I’m sure there are some good politicians out there, but at the national level, they seem to be in short supply, to say the least. A few well-made donations to the proper re-election fund (or perhaps to the appropriate Super-PAC) can give you access to political help beyond your wildest dreams, from making laws more appropriate for your goals to helping you around those darn troublesome rules and regulations. At bare minimum, you can try donating to both sides of a heated national race or two, and watch while all the news media focuses on that, rather than the mutant race of giant monsters your mad scientists just whipped up.

There you are, some of the vital help you’ll need as you try to make the world your own. Have I missed any you’ve found vital for your own world-dominating purposes? Are there any you’ve found particularly troublesome in making work for your own plans? World domination isn’t an easy task, and you might as well getting started on delegating your tasks now!

Picture of Guys Dressed up as Henchmen 21 and 24 courtesy of Pop Culture Geek

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