The Amateur Financier

For most of us, the main motivation to get up and go to work in the morning is the desire for a pay check.  After all, that’s practically the definition of work; something you wouldn’t normally want to do, but are willing to do in exchange for money.  Yes, there are other reasons to work, from the chance to better all humankind to simply having something to do every day, but primarily, it’s all about the money.

That said, there are some jobs where the intangible benefits of the job itself make me think that I’d be willing to take them on without any compensation.  These ‘dream jobs’ are the type that I’d consider doing, even if they’d pay so little (if at all) that I’d have to take a second (and possibly third) job just keep food on the table while doing so.  Some of these jobs are…

Playboy Photographer: It’s hard to imagine a man who wouldn’t want to take on this particular task (with the exception of those men who’d rather work for Playgirl, that is); heck, it was one of Homer Simpson’s dream jobs, along with rock star.  With the possible exception of ‘Being Hugh Hefner’ (a job that is, alas, already taken), there’s few examples of employment that sound more appealing.  There is a slight risk, I suppose, that spending hours each day trying to get the best shots of attractive, nude women could wear on you, and the last thing you’d want to see when you go home is your significant other naked, but that’s the kind of risk I’d be willing to take.

Not a Playboy Photographer, as far as I know; but did you really think I was going to use a picture from Playboy?

Penthouse Photographer: Actually, I suppose this is rather similar to being a Playboy photographer.  Somewhat naughtier magazine, slightly less prestigious, but still, the photographers employed there get to spend all day taking pictures of nude women; it’s not a bad deal.  Let’s just lump all such positions into one ‘gets to take naughty pictures of attractive females’ job and move on from there.

*Flips through a few pages of the Dream Job list*  Wow, there were a lot more naughty jobs than I thought at first.  That might say more about me than about how good the job would actually be.  Ah, here’s a non-naughty one:

Ruler of the World: Another position where the fringe benefits vastly outweigh the actual duties and responsibilities of the job.  As Tears for Fears put it, “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”; there’s something about the thought of lording it over all humanity that appeals to our innate desires.  Admittedly, the actual job of ruling would likely be tough and require long hours; still, it’s hard to say that that would be enough to dissuade me from wanting to pursue the position.  Of course, I don’t need to shoot that high to gain power…

Ruler of a Small Island Nation: Perhaps trying to take over the world is a bit much; it’s a goal that has thus far thwarted everyone from Pinky and The Brain to Stewie Griffin, and they had the advantages of being cartoon characters to help them out.  No, maybe I should set my sights lower, on a single nation.  Preferably something small, out of the way, unlikely to draw much attention if it suddenly is taken over by a benevolent ruler.  Perhaps something in the South Pacific; if you’re going to rule over an island, why not one with a great climate?  Although, the native uprisings and all that international diplomacy could get tiring; still, it’s a darn sight better than working in retail.

Superhero: Strong, fast, muscular, and able to pull off skintight spandex; there’s a lot to like about the superhero profession.  Plus, you don’t get paid for doing it, making it a perfect fit for our list already.  It has its downfalls, as well; supervillains constantly trying to destroy the world, the country, the city, or you, personally.  Still, you don’t see many of them around currently, so maybe I’ll luck out if and when I develop super powers.  Of course, there’s always the alternative path…

Supervillain: Not a bad alternative; just an evil one.  Besides having many of the same advantages as a superhero, there’s also no need to be noble and refuse compensation for using your powers; that’s the whole reason why you’d use them, to derive a profit or gain power.  True, a life of crime isn’t for everyone, but it’s definitely worth some consideration.

Mad Scientist: Similar to supervillain, although even more dependent on my extreme, twisted intellect.  From re-animating the dead to building doomsday devices to…re-animating the dead some more, there’s a lot you can accomplish with nearly impossible science, a willing supplier of all the money and supplies you need, and an almost reckless disregard for the laws of man and nature.  Plus, shrink rays!  Everyone loves shrink rays!

That’s about it; the jobs I’d do for free.  Admittedly, the number of openings for these positions is fairly small; they wouldn’t be dream jobs if they were open to just anyone.  Still, if you happen to have an ‘In’ with Playboy (or wherever I’d go to get a job as a despot or super-powered comic book character), let me know; I’m ready and willing to start my dream job at any time.

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I’m going to change things up a bit and direct the comments in this article towards retailers and merchants rather than my normal audience of individuals.  There seems to be a disconnect at times between retailers and their customers, and I’m hoping some of my advice can close the gap.  If you run a business, now’s the time to get a little free market research courtesy of the Amateur Financier.

(Warning: A few of the following suggestions are bit risque.  If you are easily offended, or haven’t had your morning cup of coffee, you might want to hold off on reading through this post.  If not, well, let’s get to it, then!)

Women’s Clothes Manufacturers: My first (and probably best suggestion) is directed at the manufacturers of women’s clothing: make your biggest sized apparel ‘large’, the next biggest ‘medium’, and so on.  Besides fighting the trend I’ve noticed of decreasing the sizes considered a particular size (since when is a woman with 36-24-36 measurements (’perfect’ measurements) considered extra large), you’ll win dozens of female customers eager to wear extra, extra small clothing.

The first image result for average woman; notice that she's not a stick figure.

Condom Manufacturers: Basically, the same advice as above, only in reverse; start at ‘huge’ and increase the sizes from there.  Your customers will thank you.

Pornographers, ‘Male Enhancers’, and Everyone else who advertises via Spam Messages: Stop.  Just stop any use of spam as a means of selling your products.  I know that you’re probably saying, ‘But Roger, we use spam because it works; we get more business that way.’  I’ll make this as clear as I can: whatever increased business you get via using spam is more than offset by the number of email users you turn off to your products (and indeed, to your entire industries) by using spam.  Please, just don’t do it.

Producers of ‘Reality’ Television Shows: Besides the fact that the term ‘reality television’ has been twisted and stretched well beyond the original meaning (to include everything from Survivor style elimination contests to Real World style contrived voyeur series), the whole thing is getting out of hand.  Please, please, please, for the love of sugar, stop now before we all go mad.

Specialized Television Stations: Stick with your specialty.  If I turn on the History Channel, I expect to see something vaguely historic; if I turn on Food Network, I’d like to see some food preparation; and if I watch Cartoon Network, I want to see some cartoons.  Increasingly though, these specialty channels are adding unrelated content to their schedules; History Channel and Food Network are doing reality series (which are at least vaguely related to the topic of their network) and Cartoon Network has added a sizable amount of real life programing to their schedule.  Please, please, just go back to what you do best.

Food Manufacturers: Stop it with all the endless variations on your products; there’s really nobody in the world who needs fifteen types of potato chips, especially when most of them involve things that you can put on the chips yourself if you really desire.  Besides clogging up the aisles at the local store, you’re actually making it harder for customers to decide what product to choose, decreasing the chance that they’ll buy anything.  (Don’t take my word for it; Malcolm Gladwell covered just that situation in his book Blink.)  Fewer options will help not only us poor schlubs stocking the shelves, but your bottom line.

-Manga Translators: Bring over more manga series, and get them translated faster.  I realize it’s easier said than done (otherwise, it’d likely be done by now), but given the number of fan sites that provide free access to scanlated (that is, translated and then scanned) manga issues, you need to be quick to keep up and prevent too many people from abandoning professionally translated works.

Realtors: The barrage of commercials won’t change the fact that the housing market is down at the moment.  Everyone who wants to buy a new home already knows that interest rates are at one of the lowest points in the recent past; it’s been a major news story for the past year, as people watched the market tank and the government respond by slashing interest rates to nothing.  You’re not going to get the heady days of the early 2000’s back anytime soon, so just cool your jets a bit, you dig?

There you are, some advice from me to the manufacturers and retailers of the world.  Enjoy the free market research (sample size: me)!

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If you’re a regular reader, and frequently follow the links that I provide, you might be aware that I’m a fan of Cracked.com.  Although a comedy site (and a pretty funny one to boot; I’ve laughed out loud to some of their articles on more than one occasion), they also generally have good, sometimes thought provoking articles.  I’ve even been inspired to write some of my articles here based on the articles they offer; my ‘Your Mind and Your Money‘ series was inspired by the Cracked article on ‘6 Logical Fallacies That Cost You Money Every Day‘, for example.

Unfortunately, one of the disadvantages of Crack’s articles is that they are good at pointing out problems, but not so good at coming up with solutions.  This is to be expected, I suppose; pointing out human foolishness is much more fun than coming up with a ten step plan to fix the problem.  For example, they provide a list of 6 Subtle Ways The Media Disguises Bulls*** As Facts, but fail to give the reader thoughts on how readers can protect themselves from said bulls***.  (Although, simply knowing some of the underhanded tactics will hopefully help readers to spot them and resist them.)

Enter the Amateur Financier.  I’m not only going to pass on the ways that the media can bend facts to fit their preconceptions and possible agenda, but provide you ways to defend yourself.  With no more ado, let’s get that Bulls*** Detector fired up:

#6: Weasel Words

What It Is: Weasel words are words used to give the author (or reporter, or speaker) a way to express their opinions without having to take ownership of said opinion.  Attributing opinions to ’some’ or ‘many people’ or ‘the American public’ allows you to express your opinion (or set up a straw man against whom you can make a noble stand) without having to find a person or group that actually holds that position.

How to Defend Yourself: Whenever you hear or read someone attributing an opinion to a vaguely defined (if at all) group, ask yourself whether they’ve given any proof.  Given the huge number of surveys, polls, and opinion gathers out there, if there is a sizable group that believes the Earth is in the shape of a dodecahedron, for example, there should be some proof to cite to that effect.  If not, feel free to substitute ‘I’ (that is, the author, reporter, or commentator) or ‘the people I oppose’ for any weasel words you encounter.

#5: Implying Without Saying

What It Is: By mentioning two (or more) ideas together in a story, the media can take advantage of the natural human tendency to assume that the two things are linked. Saying ‘Hundreds become wealthy after reading The Amateur Financier’ implies that reading this blog caused the increase in wealth, whereas the truth is that reading the blog probably had a minimal effect on the gain in wealth.  (Not that you should stop reading, of course…)

How to Defend Yourself: The main problem is the same one I’ve discussed before, assuming (falsely) that correlation is the same as causation.  Remind yourself of the difference, and you’ll be less likely to read stories about teenagers going on rampages after playing video games and assume that the video games caused the rampage.  (Or that, say, in reports about politicians doing illegal/immoral activities, that being a politician caused the person to be less ethical.)

#4: Burying Inconvenient Facts

What It Is: Reality doesn’t always go the way we want, but by twisting what we show, we can make it appear differently.  So, I can say ‘Survey Shows The Amateur Financier Most Popular Personal Finance Blog’ without mentioning that the survey is of me, my mother and my fiancee.  If you don’t take the time to read far enough to catch that detail, the headline sounds pretty impressive.

How to Defend Yourself: Reading the entire article to ensure that there aren’t any qualifiers or other modifying statements that contradict the headline (or at least, make it less solid than it initially appeared) is one option, although given the deluge of information facing most of us, it’s not likely to be possible all the time.  A healthy level of skepticism about news in general (and news with provocative headlines in particular) will serve you well, especially when the headline attributes the claims to another source (study, survey, a particular group, etc); that’s another way, similar to our ‘weasel words’, for a journalist or other commentator to express their views without having to claim ownership of the opinion.

#3: Biased Photos

What It Is: They say a picture’s worth a thousand words; too bad so many of them are lies.  By picking and choosing among the available photos (and videos or audio clips) and selectively editing out useful details, a publication can choose to make a particular person look powerful, knowledgeable, and capable, or look foolish and incompetent.

How to Defend Yourself: After the initial burst of disgust, happiness, or patriotism (whatever emotion the media outlet was trying to spark), take a moment to stop and think about why the media chose that particular picture (or other piece of media).  They’re usually trying to support some thesis about the person or events in question, and not every picture represents a public figure’s true personality.  Think about all the pictures of you where you were looking less than your best, and cut public figures a little slack for not always being ready for the cameras.

#2: The Active Voice

What It Is: By selectively using either the active or passive voice in their headlines, the media can choose to blame the actors or give them a free pass.  For example, ‘Police shoot and kill man who was robbing bank’ (the active voice) puts the blame for the man’s death clearly on the police, while ‘Man shot and killed while robbing bank’ (the passive voice) leaves the question of who shot the man open for speculation (the bank guards, his partner, an armed civilian, etc.), implying that being shot and killed was a natural consequence of bank robbing.

How to Defend Yourself: This is another case where reading beyond the headline is your best friend in getting to the truth.  While the actor might be obscured in the attention-grabbing headline, it shouldn’t be long into the article before the actor that caused the results in the headline (in this case, shooting and death) is revealed.  (Although, keep point #4 in mind; the truth might be buried.)

#1: Guessing the Motives Instead of Reporting the Facts

What It Is: Trying to determine the rationale behind someone else’s actions forms quite a lot of modern reporting.  Rather than stating that ‘Obama supports a public health bill’, it becomes ‘Obama wants health bill to further big government agenda’; instead of ‘Republicans state costs as reason for opposition to bill’ it becomes ‘Republicans desperate to defend status quo and their corporate backers’.  In both cases, the latter example speculates on the motives behind the actions, rather than reporting what happened straight as in the former examples.

How to Defend Yourself: Unless there’s been news reports that I’ve missed, there’s currently no mind readers who exist outside of the occasional comic book character.  Thus, the only way to really know what someone is thinking is to have him or her tell you; if they (or their spokespeople, for the rich and powerful) don’t tell you directly, you simply can’t know.  (Even if they do tell you directly, I hope that you maintain enough skepticism to not take them solely at their word; reporters and journalists aren’t the only ones who try to tweak the truth.)  A healthy amount of doubt about the motives ascribed to any particular action, no matter who is doing the ascribing, will serve you well when reading the news.

There you have it, six ways the media can twist reporting to back a particular view point, and some advice on how to avoid falling into that trap.  Now go, go and feel free to expose yourself to some media with your new found knowledge of how it might be manipulating you.  Just don’t read too much at once; over exposure to that stuff isn’t good for you.

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Well, it’s April 15th once again, and if you’re a proud resident of the United States of America, that means one thing above all others: it’s tax day.  Yes, today is the day when you need to have your taxes in the mail or face the full wrath of the IRS (an organization that the average American seems to imbue with more superpowers than a small army of super villians, and at least twice as much malevolence).  Yes, on the list of least favorite days, April 15th is all but unrivaled.

But it doesn’t have to be a day of sorrow and dread; April 15th can be a day of happiness and light.  Stop with the insane laughter; I’m not kidding!  Let’s see some ways you can celebrate the day you help the government with the money it needs to provide for the public defense, create a social safety net and, um, build bridges to nowhere.  (Hey, I’ll be the first to admit that not every government expenditure is an intelligent and well-thought out measure.)  To celebrate April 15th, you could…

#10. File an Income Tax Extension: Hey, I understand; life gets busy and you might need some more time to organize your tax forms.  If so, you can fill out the IRS’s form 4868 to get another six months (until October 15th) to finish filling out and mailing your tax forms.  (Be aware, though, that the extension only applies to the tax paperwork; you still need to send in your tax payment by today or face stiff penalties.  This is why ‘file for an extension’ isn’t the first suggestion in every tax advice column; unless you have a good idea of what you’ll owe and are ready to pay it, it could make a bad situation even worse.)

#9. Plan How to Use Your Refund: If you are in line to get a refund (I am, at least from the federal government, thanks in part to the ‘Making Work Pay’ tax credit), one way to make Tax Day more palatable is to think about what you’re going to do with that refunded money.  Building up an emergency fund, kick starting your retirement investments, perhaps even having a little fun (with part of it, at least); all good choices for using YOUR money.

#8. Tweak Your Withholding: Alright, this might not seem very celebratory, but if you got an over large refund (a sign that you have let the government withhold too much for taxes) or worse, ended up owing a substantial amount of money (withholding too little), adjusting the amount you have withheld from your paycheck will make your 2010 taxes much easier to handle.

#7. (Belatedly) Celebrate Tax Freedom Day: For those of you not in the know, Tax Freedom Day is the day when the average person has earned enough to meet their tax obligations; from that point on, the money you earn is yours to keep.  This year it fell on April 9th, nearly a week ago.  So, drink a belated toast that you’re now working for yourself and not the government from this point on.

#6. Enjoy Some Tax Day Freebies: Now we’re talking!  Because corporations know what a pain Tax Day can be (and are usually good at promotion whenever they get the opportunity), there are plenty of freebies to had today, from cupcake bites at Cinnabon to cookies at Subway.  A few sweets should make the taxes go down easier.

#5. Find a Tax Day Celebration: You’re not alone; there are few people who enjoy Tax Day.  Luckily, with so many people trying to put it behind them, there are frequently some good celebrations to be had as everyone celebrates getting their taxes out of the way for another year.   A quick search of your town (or a nearby urban area) and ‘Tax Day Celebrations’ could turn up any number of fun and relaxing events; a school of massage is apparently offering free massages in Pittsburgh, for example.  As for some other social options…

#4. Watch (or Attend) the Tea Party Protests: This year, there’s going to plenty of fireworks (of a metaphorical kind, at least) as the Tea Party protesters are planning to stage another protest in Washington (with plenty of affiliated protests around the country) to advocate for less government and lower taxes.  It’s probably too late to get to Washington for the protests (or the nearly inevitable counter protests) but given how colorful these protests and counter-protests can get, it should provide some good entertainment on the evening news, if nothing else.

#3. Even More Tax Days Offers: The list of Tax Day promotions is even longer than I thought.  The Bargainist has a few more Tax Day bargains, from a free massage at Hydromassage (apparently a sizable number of people think you’ll need a massage after paying your taxes; they might be right…) to gift card bonuses at T.G.I.Friday’s.  (It’s also worth mentioning that McDonald’s is running a special on hamburgers and cheeseburgers from 5 to 7 p.m.  This isn’t a tax thing, though; it’s celebrating the anniversary of McDonald’s founding.  Still, if you get a hankering for a burger today…)

#2. Read A Good Book: One of the easiest, most enjoyable, and (at least to me) most fun ways to take your mind off your troubles (or tax related burnout) is to read a good book, preferably something happy and humorous.  The last thing you may want to do is to read a book about government when you’ve so recently paid your taxes, but if you want a funny take on what the Feds will do with your money, consider reading Parliament of Whores by P.J. O’Rourke or America (The Book) from Jon Stewart and the cast of the Daily Show.  Both are hilarious looks at how the government works (or doesn’t work) that will have you laughing out loud.  (Until you realize how true they really are and start to cry…)

And the best way to celebrate Tax Day 2010…

#1. Enjoy Yourself: Tax Day is here, the months (or weeks, days, or maybe even hours, for procrastinators or the highly efficient) of gathering paperwork, staring at nigh incomprehensible forms, and filling out your taxes have ended, the paperwork has been filed, and you’re free from worrying for a while, at least.  Relax, kick back, and enjoy being free from worries about taxes until next year (or at least for several months, if you filled for an extension).  You’ve done your part to keep the country chugging along; now, just rest for a while, maybe enjoy some of the aforementioned freebies, and above all, have a great April 15th, everyone!

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(Inspired by this post from Punch Debt in the Face, wherein he writes a note to his future self, I’ve decided to do the same, and address myself ten years into the future.  The Fuuuuuu-tuuuuure!  *Waves my arms around to indicate that we’re traveling into the future.*)

Hey, 37 year old Roger,

Look at you, rocking middle age.  Or have life-extending treatments advanced so much that you’re still considered a young whippersnapper? Regardless, you’re probably married, with children, hopefully with a well-established career and free of all the worries and doubts that seem to plague me, your younger self.

I have so many questions I wish I could ask you…What kind of job do you have?  What kind of house do you live in?  Are you still blogging?  Is anyone still blogging, or  did blogging get replaced by some other method of communication, like live Internet ?  What are the computers like?  Have you become part machine?  Did the machines take over?  (It already seems that way, although if you remember back to 2010, they were largely idiotic.)  Has ANY of the cool technology that sci-fi writers have been promising us since the 1950’s come to pass, or am still waiting on my flying car, fusion generator, and vacations to Saturn’s rings?

I could go on, but unfortunately, this is probably going to be a one way communication.  (Although, if you got your hands on a time machine, you could send me a list of advice; or better yet, come back, pick me up, and we could visit my seventeen year-old self and give him some food for thought.)  Just because I can’t get messages from you, though, doesn’t mean I can’t share some thoughts with you.  So here’s my advice to you, my ten-years-into-the-future self:

1) Love Your Wife: If all goes according to plan, you should be gearing up to celebrate your eighth wedding anniversary with Sondra in 2020 (on Halloween, if she has her way on the wedding date).  Remember to love her and cherish her every day, and be sure to tell her whenever possible.  Be sweet, loving, and kind, just as you always wanted to be.

2) Love Your Children: Again, if all goes according to plan, you should have had the one or two sweet little girls you and Sondra are hoping for well before 2020.  Of course, given your luck and the tendency for unexpected things to happen, you’re probably raising an entire basketball team’s worth of rowdy, sports-loving boys.  In any event, I hope that you remember to love and cherish them as the wonderful gifts that they really are.  (No matter how crazy they may drive you some of the time.)

3) Enjoy Your Work: I’m not sure at all what kind of work you’ll be doing.  Maybe you’re continuing to work in the Quality Control field I got into; maybe you’ve managed to turn The Amateur Financier into a financial dynamo and excellent source of money; maybe you are a successful businessman in some other field.  So many different possibilities to explore; that’s why I have to remind you that if you aren’t enjoying your work, you shouldn’t keep doing the same old thing.  Life is too short for you to do something you hate; there’s plenty of opportunities, and you should take advantage of them.

4) Give to Charity: It’s probably too much to hope for that in a mere decade or so, all forms of human and animal suffering have ceased to exist.  (Although, I’m perfectly willing to be pleasantly surprised on this point.)  If not, I hope that you’ve been steadily giving to those who need the money more than you.  You are very, very lucky, although it might not always seem that way, and giving what you can, when you can, is good for yourself as well as others.

5) Lead a Happy Life: This should, I hope, go without saying, but sometimes the struggle and hassle of day to day life is such that we forget to enjoy ourselves along the way.  No matter what the future looks like, you have plenty to celebrate and enjoy, from good friends to loving family.  Just take a few moments every day to reflect on how fortunate you are, and remember to laugh as often as possible.

That’s it, my future self.  I hope that all of this advice is stuff that you’ve already been doing for the past ten years and have committed to heart half a decade ago, but even if so, it’s worth repeating them to remind yourself (or myself, I suppose) of how good life actually is.  Good luck, my future self, and keep working well!

Roger (Age 27)

P.S. If you want to show your gratitude for all the helpful tips, a return note with next week’s lottery numbers would be appreciated.  You know, just a friendly thank you between two versions of the same guy, that kind of thing.

P.P.S. Unless doing so would get you in trouble with the Time Police; I don’t want you to spend time (heh!) in a time jail because of something I will have had done in the future.

P.P.P.S. Unless the Time Police don’t give a care (or don’t exist); in that case, send those numbers on back!

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Previously, on Wacky Wednesday…You know what?  No, we’re not going back to the future this week.  Instead, we’re going to take a little break and celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in the finest Irish tradition.  No, not drunk and singing in the local pub; catching a leprechaun!

So, you’ve finally sat down and figured out your finances, and it looks like you need a miracle to make ends meet.  No, scratch that; a miracle is far too subtle a word for what you need.  You need a sizable amount of pure magic squeezed into the shape of a funny little man wearing green clothing.

You’ve probably guessed it by now, but this week, we’re looking into how to hunt leprechauns!  (I only put it in the title and mentioned it in the introduction; how many more hints do you need?)  Now, these little buggers are diabolically tricky to catch, and leprechaun traps aren’t exactly sold in the corner store, so you’re going to need to follow these steps exactly:

1) Get thee to Ireland: While leprechauns can be found anywhere that the children of the Emerald Isle call home (and occasionally, wherever people wear ‘Kiss Me, I’m Irish’ shirts as a way to get some first base action), the largest number can still be found in their native land.  If you want the best chance of catching one (or more), you’ll need to get to Ireland as soon as possible.

2) Find a Good Hunting Ground: With so few reported leprechaun sightings, it’s difficult to get an exact bead on where they might be located.  It is worth remembering that besides being known for hiding gold and an inexplicable fondness for children’s cereals, leprechauns are cobblers, first and foremost.  Find somewhere with plenty of handmade shoes (try an old-fashioned shoe store), and you’ve got a good start on finding your leprechaun.

3) Creating a Trap: Are you supernaturally strong, fast, and otherwise physically adept?  If not, then you’ll probably want to set a trap rather than try to catch one of the wily buggers on your own.  There are plenty of sites that claim to show you how to build a leprechaun trap, but don’t believe them; if you knew how to catch a magical, gold-hoarding creature, would you reveal the secret?  On that note, my suggestion is a non-lethal, catch and release trap of some kind; you want something that will capture the leprechaun without killing or seriously hurting the little person.

4) Bait the Trap: Here’s the tough part (well, one of many, I suppose): how do you entice a centuries-old, frail looking, miniature fairy man whose biggest hobbies are making shoes, hoarding treasure, and drinking punks like you under the table?  Gold is a popular suggestion, but then, if you had a chunk of gold just sitting around, you wouldn’t need a leprechaun, would you?  For better luck, try using some postcards by Amy Brown or Nene Thomas; if pictures of scantily clad fairy girls don’t get your leprechaun’s attention, I don’t know what will.

5) Success! - If you followed the first several steps, it should just be a matter of time before a leprechaun falls for your trap; if you took my advice on the type of bait to use, listen for a wolf whistle followed by a lot of cursing in Gaelic to indicate that its sprung successfully.  Congratulations, you’ve caught a leprechaun!

Now, you have to be very, very, VERY careful from this point on; leprechauns, like all fairy folk, are diabolically tricky, and will use every attempt to escape.  You need to (carefully) remove him from the trap, while keeping a tight (but careful) grip on him to prevent him from escaping.  There’s a number of issues you’ll need to be concerned with while you try to get the truth out of your leprechaun captive, including:

• The leprechaun may offer you a gold or silver coin from his pocket in lieu of taking you to his treasure.  DON’T DO IT!  The coins he carries with him are magic and not for human use (the silver coin returned to his pocket each time it is spent, the gold coin turns into a rock).
• Don’t accept his ‘treasure’ at face value, either; it might be ‘leprechaun gold’, which will disappear at dawn.  Keep a good grip on the little sprite until you’ve ensured that the gold is real.
• You have to keep an eye on the leprechaun, as well; the moment you blink or otherwise turn away, he’ll flee away with the speed of a rabbit.  For that reason, it’d be good to work with one or more partners and practice blinking in turn; that way, there will always be at least one of you looking at the leprechaun.
• When it comes down to it, there’s only one really, truly good way to ensure that you get what you want out of a leprechaun, and that is… hunh?  What did you say?

DID YOU JUST LOSE THE LEPRECHAUN?

How’d that happen?  Never mind, what’s done is done; I was afraid of this happening, anyway.  Of course, the next step is the same whether you were successful or not:

6) Go to the Pub and Have a Few Drinks: So, you had the leprechaun, but you ended up losing it.  Or maybe you successfully managed to get a hold of the pot of gold and want to go out and celebrate.  Either way, the next place you should go is to the nearest pub.  A nice, stiff drink will ease your sorrows, while buying a round for the house is a great way to celebrate your new fortune.  If you do get the leprechaun gold, though, be careful of people offering to watch the pot for you while you hit the head; they might be genuine, but they could also be thieves (or even the wee folk, reclaiming what’s theirs).

Note: As you might have guessed; this post was entirely tongue in cheek.  It’s just a little something to have some fun.  No offense was meant to anyone, human, leprechaun, or scantily clad fairy girl.  Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone!

Shout Outs I Missed

As I was going over my list of links yesterday, I realized that I missed a few people who took the time to promote my blog.  Since I always try to return a favor like that (when I’m aware of it, at least; sometimes these things are never brought to my attention), here’s their shout outs:

Money Beagle (a blog title that makes me think of Snoopy) mentioned my Aesop post in an article about not spending money to save money.

Also, I did a guest post on ways to preserve your emergency fund, which was posted on a snazzy looking new site, Cash Flow Sherpas.  Give it (the article, and the site) a look.

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Time for a quick quiz.  Tell me what cell phone company will charge the least amount to use their services.  You have one minute…and go!

*Waits patiently for one minute*

Time’s up!  What did you come up with?  Assuming you gave this some serious thought, you probably realized that coming up with an answer depends on a lot of information I didn’t share with you.  How many people on the plan, how often they talk, when they make most of their calls (during business hours or outside normal business times), and where in the world the other people you usually call are located; any or all of these things could impact which plan would be the cheapest.

Even knowing all those factors, however, is no guarantee that you will find the most cost effective choice for cell phone service.  That’s because cell phone companies, realizing that few people, if any, can tell the difference in cell phone service well enough to make a choice based on the service provided, have taken the tactic of trying to confuse costumers on the price in order to stay in business.  If they didn’t, the price of cell phone service would drop to the cost of providing it, and all but the biggest company (perhaps two or three) would be forced out of the market (that’s economies of scale at work).

Sadly, this is the most accurate book about the future I've ever read

Instead, cell phone companies have effectively created their own ‘confusopolies‘.  I wish I could claim credit for creating that term, but it was first coined by Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, in the 1998 book The Dilbert Future.  Here’s how he described the confusopoly of the future:

“A group of companies with similar products who intentionally confuse costumers instead of competing on price.”

Basically, any group of companies that produce a product indistinguishable to the average user (because it has no taste, odor, texture, or other easily measurable attributes) could form a confusopoly.  Cell phone service is one obvious example; unless your company is constantly dropping your calls or otherwise making the service unusable, it’s hard to distinguish between the average, the good, and the great.

Other companies that provide near identical service, particularly information and financial companies, can also form confusopolies.  Internet service, online banking, and investing firms are all services that are hard to distinguish based purely on the quality of service; you can execute stock purchases just as easily with eTrade, Sharebuilder, or Charles Schwab.  Rather than competing to the ‘best’, they instead focus on confusing the consumer, or taking a divide and conquer approach by focusing primarily on different segments of the market.  (So Sharebuilder focuses on mutual fund-style investing, eTrade touts themselves to active traders, and Charles Schwab provides access to a stock broker, for example)

Defend Yourself From the Confusopolies

With confusion becoming a more popular method of gaining and keeping costumers and more types of types of businesses that form natural confusopolies coming into existence, how can you protect yourself?  Here’s a few hints to get the most out of the companies you use:

1) Know yourself and your needs: As mentioned, one common tactic for confusopolies is to focus on subsets of the population, and competing on one or two issues that appeal most to that group (as opposed to everyone who needs the service in some form).  When choosing a cell phone company, for example, try to take advantage of plans that will benefit you the most.  If you (or someone in your family) texts constantly, a plan that allows unlimited texts could be the best option for you, while if you only talk on your phone (a novel idea, I know) a completely different plan would be the least expensive.

2) Take Advantage of the Competition: Many companies in fields where confusopolies are rampant provide bonuses to encourage people to use their services.  (Frequently the goal is to get you to sign on due to the low rates and keep paying when the rate eventually shoots up due to mental initial.)  As a result, if you keep on top of your plans and switch when your rates are about to shoot up (or when you are about to run out of free stock trades, or whatever introductory specials are being offered), you can take advantage of their generosity and keep your costs low.  (Provided, of course, that the transaction costs of switching are low; swapping mortgage providers every few years is unlikely to save you any money unless the differences in rates offered is substantial.)

3) Don’t Panic: It’s good advice in general, but in this case it’s especially appropriate.  While you shouldn’t just rest on your laurels, the endless pursuit of the absolute lowest priced service is only going to eat up time and possibly drive you insane.  If you have a cell phone provider, stock broker, and internet company that provide good service for a reasonable rate, you don’t need to switch constantly to save a few dollars.  Just relax, enjoy the service, and keep an eye out for better offers, but don’t feel the need to spend every weekend combing through offers for the services you need.

There you have it, three simple steps to keep confusopolies from taking advantage of you (and allowing you to take advantage instead).  Keep an eye out, as they’re only going to increase in number as a result of ever lowering barriers to entry.  Have fun trying to out confuse the confusopolies!

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Previously, when Wednesday last got Wacky: You found yourself stranded two hundred years in the future, after a time travel money making scheme went awry.  The good: your investment grew into a multi-billion dollar fortune.  The bad: thanks to higher than expected inflation, that’s less than the typical fast-food worker earns in the course of a year.  The ugly: any attempt to withdraw the money in order to travel back in time (and not invest the money in the first place) causes the money to disappear (something about causality and other things that sound like they should be part of a Star Trek plot line).  What will you do now?

You stare at the ATM for a while, watching as your money blinks in and out of existence while you consider withdrawing it, lamenting the quirks of time travel.  You finally consign yourself to staying in the future (or your new present; you make a brief mental note to invest in a dictionary that will give you some words to describe your new situation).

After withdrawing your entire fortune, a few thousand Reagans (million dollar bills; the basic unit of currency in an over-inflated future), you try to figure out where to go from here.  After making one last attempt to spend this money on a rental time machine (you swear you hear Reagan laughing at you as he briefly blinks out of existence before reappearing), you resign yourself to your fate: working in the 23rd century, at least long enough to earn money to travel back to your own time.

First, though, you need someplace to live, and probably some food, too.  Actually, to judge from the gurgling in your stomach, it’s probably best to go for the food first, and then try to find some lodging.  Luckily, there’ s a little food stand not that far from the time travel company.  Unluckily, it seems that only food products that aren’t insanely expensive are food pellets.

You try to ask, in the coolest way possible, just how many pellets you need to consume in order to stay alive, and find out that you hold a month’s worth of food in the palm of your hand.  Provided you have a hand the size of a shopping cart; it turns out that there’s only so far you can compress the 2,000 some calories, numerous vitamins and minerals, several grams of fiber and assorted flavorings and preservatives you need to consume each day before physics says you have to stop.  You buy enough pellets to last a week or two, fork over a goodly amount of Regans, and pray that you don’t turn into a hamster before you finally make it back to your original time.

Then it’s off to find a place to live.  You don’t need anything too grand; you literally don’t own anything but the clothing on your back and the supply of pellets you just bought.  You manage to find a perfect place for your base of operations; a sleep tube at a hotel that’s half a meter (20 inches) wide, half a meter tall, and 2 meters (80 inches) deep (the ‘Presidental’).  Not much space, granted, but it gives you a place to sleep.

Then comes the real trouble: finding a job.  You think about your line of work before traveling to the future, but that’s probably out.  Your field has probably advanced so far that you would barely understand what was happening.  Much as an eighteenth century doctor who awoke in the twenty century would wonder where you kept the ether and the leeches, there would be almost no way you could simply pick up as, say, an electrical engineer and start working.

Of course, that leaves one very undesirable career path for you: minimum wage jobs.  Not the most appealing possibility, but you have to do what you need to do.  Figuring that fast food would be a good start when looking for a job that doesn’t require crazy twenty-third century skills.  It’s a nice thought, but fast food, like much of society, has gone mechanical: all the prep work, and even the serving, is handled by robots.  Clown robots.

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

After feeling the first sting of rejection, and worrying that you will have nightmares for years, you seek other employment.  You try to find a decent sales job; surely, the techniques for trying to move product can’t have changed that much.  Schmooze, be personable, and push the products.  Yup, that’s the ticket.

Unfortunately, years of (over)exposure to high pressure sales tactics, constant bombardment of advertisements, and of course, lots of advance on fighting temptation have rendered most traditional advertisements useless.  In their stead, a new technique has risen to prominence: mind control!  Yup, rather than subtly (well, at least by comparison) trying to influence your decisions, advertisers took the path of least resistance and started to force consumers to purchase their products.  Of course, with hundreds of different corporations throwing conflicting subliminal messages, the end result is about as effective as twenty-first century pop-up ads (and just as concerning to the average citizen).  Just to be safe, you resolve to avoid all media until you’re safely back home.

You finally find a job, at a pet salon.  Too bad all the animals are intelligent.  It’s incredibly disconcerting to be berated by a dog for screwing up a nail clipping, or mocked by a bird for a bad feather comb-over, or insulted by a cat for improper grooming techniques (actually, considering how cats normally are, that’s not too surprising).  Still, you muddle through, doing your best to save up money for a return to the past, promising yourself that you’ll never, ever, EVER get a talking pet again.

Will you make it through your job without going insane?  How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he could spend all his time gossiping instead?  Will Roger finally allow you to get out of the future in the next episode?  (Answer: HAHAHAHAHAHA!)  Tune in next time to find out!

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I’m a mood that combines playfulness with nostalgia.  I think it’s because I’m currently back home and have a job interview today, so I’m both happy and thinking about my past.  I’ve been thinking a bit lately about some of the stories and fables I was told as a child.

So today, let’s have some fun with some of the most famous of Aesop’s fables, and see how we can apply the lessons found within to our personal finance situations.  After all, these are stories that I (like many of you, I’m sure) have heard since I was young.  Let’s go on a trip down memory lane and see what we can learn about money management from good old Aesop.

1) Fable Name: The Ant and the Grasshopper

Short and Sweet Summary: There was once an ant and a grasshopper.  (Good start, no?)  The grasshopper laughed, frolicked and played the days away, while the ant diligently spent his time during summer and fall gathering up extra food.  The grasshopper laughed at all this effort; why gather food when there was such an abundance all around them?  When winter came, though, the grasshopper found himself out of food while the ant had plenty, and the grasshopper comes to realize the folly of his short-sighted ways.

A hardworking ant, possibly working hard

(Depending on what version you read and the particular message the author is trying to push, the final fate of the grasshopper and the ant (or ants, in some versions) can vary.  In the most traditional versions, the grasshopper dies from starvation.  Since this doesn’t make the most child-friendly ending, in many cases he gets food from the ant, usually in exchange for providing some service or at least promising not to be as lazy in the future.  There are also plenty of more politicized versions, having the grasshopper suing the ant and taking his hard-earned food (to send up socialist/communist worldviews) or attacking the ant for being so stingy (to attack those who hoard wealth).  For our purposes, we can end the story once the grasshopper realizes the error of his ways.)

General Moral: Prepare today for lean times tomorrow.  Also, if an ant and a grasshopper both offer you financial advice, go with the ant.

Financial Moral: Pretty much the same as the general moral; be sure to stock up on money (or other supplies, etc.) while you have the opportunity, particularly if you know the lean times will be coming.  Replace ‘winter’ with retirement, ‘food’ with money, and ‘ant’ with anyone who didn’t get a trust fund for their 16th birthday, and you have a pretty good plan for saving for your golden years in our ‘fund your own retirement’ economy.

2) Fable Name: The Tortoise and the Hare

Short and Sweet Summary: A tortoise and a hare have a race because the hare was talking smack about the tortoise’s mama (or possibly just called the tortoise slow).  During the race, the hare takes an early lead, getting so far ahead that he decides to take a nap (or goes off to play keno, depending on the version of the tale).  While the hare is distracted, the tortoise slowly but steadily catches up, and then overtakes him.  By the time the hare wakes up (or gets kicked out the of the casino due to his bad credit), there’s no way for him to beat the tortoise.  Victory to the slow guy with the shell!

General Moral: Slow and steady wins the race, OR don’t take a nap until you finish the darn race.

Financial Moral: Pretty much the same as the general moral (the one about slow and steady winning in the end, not the napping one).  A decent to good financial plan, implemented over the course of a lifetime, will be much more effective at boosting your net worth than a great financial plan you only follow off and on.  (Note: you should not take the lesson that betting on a long shot in a race is a good way to improve your financial security; they’re long shots for a reason, and no every gamble will pay off in the end.)

3) Fable Name: The Dog and the Bone (noticing a pattern to these names yet?)

Short and Sweet Summary: A dog goes walking alone with a bone in his mouth.  He looks down into a still pool of water, and sees another dog looking back at him, also with a bone in his mouth.  Getting greedy as he looks at the other dog’s bone, and thinking that the other dog looks like a bit of a push over, our first dog opens his yap and barks at the second dog.  His bone drops into the water, disappearing under the waves, leaving the dog (and his reflection) without any bones at all.

Pictured: Dog; Not Shown: Lost Bone

General Moral: If you get greedy, you risk what you already have.  Also, mirrors can steal your soul (or at least, confuse you, if you happen to be a dog).

Financial Moral: Let’s quote another source of great wisdom, Warren Buffet: ‘Rule #1: Never lose money.  Rule #2: Never forget Rule #1.’  As with bones, so it is with money; it’s much easier to keep what you already have then it is to earn more.  If you get greedy and try for excessive gains, you can end up losing what you already have.  (Add in the number of scams and other simply fraudulent ways people will try to get your money, and the importance of keeping what you have comes into sharp relief.)  Invest smartly and don’t try to shoot for the moon with your returns, and you’ll have a much better shot at growing your wealth and adding to your supply of bones (or cash, if you prefer that type of thing).

4) Fable Name: The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs (just like that, the pattern is gone)

Short and Sweet Summary: A farmer and his wife (I picture them as Ma and Pa Kent from the Superman comics, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Aesop intended) discover that they have a goose who lays golden eggs.  After a few days of enjoying the bounty this goose puts out, they get impatient, and slaughter the goose to get all the golden eggs at once.  Alas, once the goose is dead, they find no golden eggs inside, and realize that they’ve just killed a source of great wealth.

General Moral: Greed and impatience destroy wealth.  Also, geese aren’t filled with all the eggs they’ll ever lay (at least, not in fully developed form).

Financial Moral: As usual, the general moral can be pretty easily applied to the personal finance; get greedy and it’ll backfire on you.  This is most apparent when looking at your nest egg (an apt term for a waterfowl based fable); if you start with a small, safe withdraw rate when you retire, your nest egg will have the chance to grow, continuing to generate more money (golden eggs) for your spending pleasure.  Pull out too much of your money in the first few years, and watch as your nest egg quickly withers away, and you spend your retirement years desperately searching for more money (or a goose that lays golden eggs).

Alright, that’s enough nostalgia for one day; hopefully, there’s plenty of stories mentioned here that spark a few memories of your own childhood, and maybe, just maybe, remind you of a

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Previously, in our Wacky Wednesday hi-jinks: You’ve rented a time machine and attempted to profit by investing money and coming back two hundred years later to spend the profits.  The plan worked; your measly one thousand dollars had become more than 4.8 BILLION dollars; unfortunately, inflation has taken such a toll that this amount is about the cost of a used hovercar.  (”The Pinto Mark XIII, now with non-exploding hoverpods!”)  It takes several Reagans (one million dollar notes, so named for the late twentieth century president on their front; whether this is an honor or an insult, you don’t yet know) just to buy a cup of coffee.  Realizing your error, you run back towards your DeLorean shaped time machine, only to find it being towed away…

You wave and shout to get the tow truck men to stop, but they give you a dismissive shrug, make a few comments about ‘work is work’, and continue to haul away your only way to get home.  Eventually, your shouts and curses, (and the tears welling up in your eyes) convince the driver of the hover tow truck thing to give you a lift back to the rental place.

As you climb into the cab of the hovering tow truck, you wonder why everything in the future seems to be hovering.  After that, you wonder what you should do from here.  You don’t have much more money (adjusted for inflation) than you had back in early twenty-first century, but you’re in the FUTURE!  You could go on adventures on the moon or join a Star Fleet crew, visit strange solar systems, and sleep with green women (or men; far be it from me to judge you).

As thoughts of space flight and glorious science fiction adventures dance through your head, you look out the window to get a better view of this strange, new world.  You’re greeted by a bunch of billboards (floating, of course; you wonder if there was a law passed in the twenty second century that absolutely everything had to float or what).  After adjusting your eyes to the garishly designed billboards, you manage to make out some of the things being advertised.

The first sign you make out seems a bit odd; non-artificial strawberries on sale, 500 grams for 200 Reagans.  You’re still getting used to this whole future currency, and the metric system always gave you trouble (and you don’t even want to guess what the whole ‘non-artificial’ comment means), but it sounds as if a carton of strawberries is selling for the 2010 equivalent of two hundred dollars.  They certainly sound rather precious.

A few more billboards continue to erode your confidence that this is not the fantastic future for which you were hoping.  An assortment of ‘food pills’, living tubes with huge monthly rents, and ads for ‘One of the Last Remaining Forests’ make the future seem less utopia and more distopia.  It isn’t until you see the billboard for ‘Soylent Green’ that you finally decide you’re much better off back in the past.  You’re not sure if it’s some kind of twenty-third century joke or truth in advertising run amok, but you sure as hell don’t want to find out.

Now that you’ve decided to go back, you try to figure out how you can still profit off of time travel.  Clearly, depending on interest alone isn’t going to be enough to make you rich with no effort, so you may as well as see if there’s any way to make a Reagan or two off of your next time machine rental.

Unfortunately, most of the easiest ideas that pop into your mind just won’t work.  Trying to set up your own time travel travel agency would require a lot of work; getting the needed permits from the Time Police alone could take hours.  Ditto for exchanging products across time; while selling strawberries (and other natural products) in the future sounds like a great way to make money, you can’t imagine nobody else would try it if it was allowed.

Your mind briefly goes toward the idea of gambling.  While most forms of gambling disappeared shortly after time machines began being used commercially (the one casino that remained open was the site of the famous ‘Trump Debacle’; nearly one billion dollars won by ‘gamblers’ armed with future knowledge in the course of one day, leading to lawsuits for decades), there’s still the chance of passing information about future events to yourself before they went mainstream.  It’s just a matter of getting by those Time Police.  But come on, they can’t be everywhere (or everywhen) right?

You finally settle on your plan as you pull into the time machine rental place; travel back in time, pull your money out of the investment that got overtaken by inflation, pass it to another version of yourself along with some hints about future sporting events, and then distract the Time Police elsewhere.  Maybe you can try to kill Hitler; that always gets their attention.

You settle on your plan, and go up to the debit machine to pull out your money, to find that your account balance is empty.  Thinking it must be some horrible mistake, you vow to stay in the future just long enough to complain to your broker, when the full amount reappears in the account.  Still confused, but rather happy, you go to pull the money out again, when once again, it disappears without a trace.

Bewildered, you wonder just what’s wrong with the machine for a moment before it hits you; there’s nothing wrong with the machine, there’s a flaw in your plan: if you take the money out in the past, it won’t be available for you to use now in the future.  The only way you can have the money now is if you don’t travel back to take it out.  Frak!

How can you get around this paradox?  Will you be stuck in the future forever?   Does Roger like asking rhetorical questions as a way to wrap up these articles?  (Answer: Heck Yes)  Stay tuned next week (or the week after if I get busy again) for the next exciting chapter!

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