Archives for humor category
21
Dec
Posted in holidays, humor by Roger, the Amateur Financier |
Once upon a time (about two years ago), I shared some tips for the last minute shopper to get their holiday gift giving covered. They were, I’m pleased to say, a huge hit, helping dozens, if not hundreds or even thousands, of last-minute shoppers to keep their gift exchange partners happy and help to fill up the space beneath the Christmas tree. (Or barring that possibility, helping them to have a serious head injury so as to allow them to dodge the whole Christmas season altogether.)
But it’s been so long since I put that up, there’s sure to have been some updates to how the smart consumer covers their last-minute gift-giving (besides, of course, buying presents early enough to avoid having to do last minute gift-giving in the first place; that’s just crazy talk). Let’s take a look at some other possibilities for the gift-giver who has waited until the last possible minute:
1. Money: Always a classic; there’s a fair chance you have some in your wallet at this very moment. (Unless, of course, you’re just getting back from some other Christmas shopping). It’s inexpensive, highly flexible, and generally appreciated by nearly everyone. Now, it does tend to send a bit of a strong message (namely, “I did not have any idea of what to get you for a gift, so here’s some cash”), but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed with a decent card. If you want something more personal, you can try…
Yes, I like to use this Money Gift picture; it's very fitting for this time of year.
2. Gift Cards: The standard for anyone who wants to give something a bit more personalized than cash, but still is at a loss about what to give to their chosen recipient (not always the gift-giver’s fault, of course; if I had a dollar for everyone in my family who has been tight-lipped about possible gift ideas, I’d be able to buy quite a few more gifts for everyone). Of course, being more personalized can be troublesome; it’s possible to buy a gift card to somewhere your recipient doesn’t ever shop or want to shop. It’s also possible to end up with a gift card that’s pretty well worthless, as anyone still holding Circuit City or Borders gift cards can tell you.
3. A Time Machine: Alright, it’s a little early to pick up one of these. (Some spoil-sports will argue that it is impossible; if time machines exist, they say, we would have seen people who were from the future coming back to our time. I say they’re just trying to spoil our fun; haven’t they heard of cloaking devices or police boxes?) But still, it would make a wicked present, or you could use it to get something for your recipient from their past. Or use it to become the king of a past time period; either method is fine, really.
4. Coal: Have someone naughty on your list? Pull a Santa and give them some coal the next time they start acting up. Besides helping to reinforce some sense of appropriate punishment, you’ll also be able to help out the coal industry. Why should the fat man in red have all the fun, after all? Just be aware that not everyone will be amused, and that coal can be a bit on the expensive side.
5. A Thoughtful, Insightful Gift That Shows a Deep Understanding of the Recipient and Adequate Realization of What They Both Want and Need, An Even Deeper Grasp of Their Psyche Than They, Themselves, Possess, a Gift That Is Sure to Leave a Deep Impression on Them Years, Even Decades, Later: You don’t have time for that kind of thing; let’s get back to that ‘money’ idea.
Alright, that’s plenty of gift ideas for now. Here’s hoping everyone has a good Christmas, and has already finished their shopping (I know I have no desire to go to stores now, with all the gift shoppers in a near frenzy). Here’s also hoping you came up with lots of thoughtful gift ideas, in spite of my best efforts to play with your minds!
4
Jul
Posted in holidays, humor by Roger, the Amateur Financier |
Well, it is the Fourth of July once again. For those of you outside the US, there’s probably not much to distinguish today from any other Monday in the summer: hot (or cold, for those of you in the Southern Hemisphere) and filled with work, commutes, and all the normal fun of a Monday.
For those of us in the United States, though, it’s the time of year when we take a day off, consider all the effort and consideration that went into creating this great nation, and set off some fireworks. Mostly the fireworks, though.
That’s why, on this day of celebration, I have just one reminder to share with my fellow Americans (man, it makes me feel presidential just writing that): Don’t Blow Yourself (Or Any Part of Yourself) Up Today. Even beyond the obvious pain (and, if your family is anything like mine, probable humiliation and mockery), there’s the potential cost of going to the hospital to get various parts of your body repaired or replaced. Plus, you can avoid getting saddled with an embarrassing nickname like ‘Stumpy’ or ‘Idiot Who Blew Up His Hand With A Firework’ (some nicknames are more creative than others).
Fireworks: Fun to Watch, Not So Fun to Have Blow Up In Your Face
If you can do this, you should have a great Fourth of July. Here’s hoping you have a great holiday, spend plenty of time with friends and family, and avoid any deforming injuries during your celebration. Enjoy the holiday!
(And don’t worry, once the holiday is over, I’ll be back to my normal personal finance advice dispensing ways, as opposed to general safety advice. I just wanted to have a little Fourth of July fun, and maybe get people to think twice about shooting off so dang many fireworks. Enjoy the holiday!)
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23
May
Posted in humor by Roger, the Amateur Financier |
You night have heard, but we shouldn’t be here, or at least, we shouldn’t be enjoying ourselves quite so much. Yes, apparently this past weekend (May 21, 2011, at 6 p.m. your local time, to be exact) the Rapture was supposed to come and take the faithful up to heaven, leaving the rest of us here to suffer the horrors of Armageddon. (I’m including myself in the, to borrow a phrase, ‘Left Behind’ group; while I try to lead a good life, I wouldn’t put money on me being amongst the select and chosen few.)
Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news about that whole event. The good news is that the Apocalypse apparently isn’t here yet; the whole production seems to be a mistake by the pastor in charge. That’s probably a good thing; I don’t know about you, but I’ve got plenty I’d like to do before the final curtain falls on the planet and our species.
But there’s bad news to be had as well; at some point, the world is likely to end. My informal survey (that is, things I’ve heard about but don’t feel like formally researching) indicates that the most likely date for the next end of the world is December 21, 2012, when I guess the Mayan calendar ends (and apparently the Mayans were able to pinpoint exactly when this whole ‘time’ thing would cease to exist, as well), although I’ve heard other dates being tossed around, from the 70th anniversary of the founding of Israel to several dates that Nostradamus threw out there. (Yes, Nostradamus gave multiple dates for the end of the world; no, I don’t know how that would work.)
So, what should you do when it comes time for the world to end, for reals-ies this time? How can you make sure that you make the most of your last few hours, while ensuring that you aren’t caught unawares if, just by chance, the world DOESN’T end when you think it will? (I know, I know, what are the chances of that happening (again), but humor me here.) Here’s a few thoughts on what to do come the (next) end of the world:
Dos and Don’ts for End of the Planet Preparations
DO Live a Good Life: There’s plenty of disagreement about just what the correct religion is (and whether any religion is correct), but there is generally an agreement on how to be a good person. Treat others the way you would like to be treated, don’t lie, cheat, steal, murder, or otherwise abuse other people, and try to take any abuse you suffer without vengeance or anger at your abusers, and you should come out alright.
DON’T Try to Convert At the Last Minute: I don’t claim to speak for God, but I’m guessing He’s able to tell the difference between sincere changes in faith and ‘I’m doing this to get out of this (literal) heck-hole’ conversions. The latter probably don’t get you too much credit. Also, while death bed conversions are probably better than nothing, trying to game the system by living an unholy life and converting at the last minute is quite likely to backfire on you; there’s that whole ‘not knowing when you’ll die’ thing to contend with, after all.
DO Live Life to the Fullest…: One of the advantages (if you can call it that) of impending doom is that it reminds us of everything we want to do in life, and how little some of us have actually done towards finishing that list. So, regardless of whether there is a threat of Apocalypse, try to live a full life and take advantage of all the world has to offer (and the fact that we live in a time and place when traveling the world and experiencing its many cultures and wonders is not only considered normal, but is highly encouraged).
…But DON’T Count on the Apocalypse to Wipe Out Your Debts: That said, don’t spend December 20, 2012 (or the days before the next expected end of the world) running up the bill on your credit card. It might seem that you’re taking advantage of the system, but if your plan to deal with the bill is to be Raptured during the grace period, maybe you want to reconsider, before you end up stuck with a huge bill you need to pay. The Bauer Family saw this happen to them, and you don’t want the same thing to happen to you.
DO Enjoy Your Life: I’ve been writing most of this article tongue-in-cheek (as you might have guessed, although I tend to write like that pretty frequently), but if there’s one thing to take away from this whole story, it should probably be the importance of taking advantage of the time we have available. If you live well and fully your entire life, even the end of the world becomes something you can face with a smile, knowing you had a good run. So, regardless of when the end comes (if it even will during our lifetimes), here’s hoping you have lived a good life to that point.
What will you be doing during the (next) Apocalypse?
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15
Apr
Posted in humor, taxes by Roger, the Amateur Financier |
Well, here it is again, Tax Day. Yes, April 15th, the day that is dreaded by more Americans than any other, is finally upon us, and with it comes all the normal stress, struggle, and possible heart problems that the U.S. public dreads. It’s a time when fathers and mothers weep openly, brothers and sisters rise up in arms against each other, dogs and cats unite to form an unholy army…
Wait a moment, what’s that you say? Tax Day is April 18th this year, and people have an entire extra weekend to get their taxes prepared and in the mail? That’s good and all, but it does leave me in a bit of a lurch; what am I supposed to write about now?
Ah, I know! As I did last year (or I suppose more properly, as I linked to on other sites, for the most part), I could write about some of the giveaways and awesome offers that various companies are using to lessen the sting of taxes (and to boost their business at the same time; businesses aren’t stupid, after all). So, here are a few things you can look forward to on Monday, even if you spend all weekend filling out your tax forms:
Tax Day Offers 2011
-Bruegger’s Big Bagel Bundles: Not quite a freebie (hey, even generous corporations have to a make profit), but Bruegger’s is offering their Big Bagel Bundles for $10.40 on Monday. (Note the price’s similarity to a certain federal tax form most people come to hate after a few years of filing taxes; expect to see a lot of such tax day links next Monday.)
-Tax Relief Days at McCormick & Schmick’s: Of course, even though the Federal government’s decided to push the tax due date back a day, most of us still associate April 15th with taxes. McCormick & Schmick’s has decided to hedge their bets, offering drink and dining specials on both April 15th and April 18th. (And they’re using the $10.40 pricing, as well.)
-Cinnabon Bites: If you are a fan of cinnamon buns (and I’ve only met one person who wasn’t, and she had the excuse of a near-deadly cinnamon allergy), you can get two free Cinnabon bites on April 18th in their ‘Tax Day Bites!’ giveaway. (Get it?) I’m starting to drool a bit just thinking about it.
-Free HydroMassage: If you can think of a better way to relax after tax season is over than a massage, I’d like to hear it (and also hear about any companies offering to give it away this Monday). If not, here’s good news: HydroMassage is offering free (hydro)massages from April 14th-18th.
-Hooters Wings Offer: If you’re a guy, there’s much worse ways to spend the day than eating wings served by attractive girls. You can get those served much cheaper by printing out the Buy 10 wings, Get 10 Free Hooters Coupon provided by Spend Less, Shop More. (You can say that you’re studying Bona Fide Occupational Qualifications if your significant other decides to question your true motives for visiting a place called ‘Hooters’.)
Of course, there’s plenty of other resources that can help you find tax day giveaways; it seems that just about every company has a few of them going on at some point between today and Monday. I like 2011 Tax Day Freebies and Discounts page from the Bargainist in particular, as it’s one of the most complete lists I’ve seen, and still growing (I’m planning to share a few of my finds there soon.) Hopefully, after all these giveaways, you’ll be feeling much less stressed about Tax Day. Have a good (and not completely tax-oriented) weekend!
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